Most people would agree that the person they are today is different from the person they were a year ago. Why then do we find it so hard to accept change in others, especially those we love the most?
The antidote to this common problem, I believe, is asking good questions. I think questions are the most important part of a long-term romantic relationship. They build trust, they inspire curiosity and they help you avoid the trap of becoming attached to who your partner used to be. When I get lazy with my question-asking, that’s when I become stuck in my ways and unhappy. I’m convinced that the only reason ‘you can never really know a person’ is because you don’t ask enough questions.
Questions are humble.
Questions say, “I’m curious,” “I don’t know,” and most importantly, “Help me learn.”
Humans learn best through stories. Questions unlock those hidden stories. 🗝️
Before we begin, some pro tips:
- Put as much energy into listening to their response as you did asking the question 👂
- Ask a whole series of questions to go deeper (try using Five Whys)
It’s okay to be a little scared. Asking questions requires vulnerability, which is why many people avoid it. If you encounter any resistance from your partner, that’s okay. If they’re not used to you asking them questions, this is likely to happen at first! Getting a response like, “Why do you want to know that?” is just a way of them asking, “Am I safe here, or are you going to take advantage of me?” Reassure them by saying, “I’m just curious and would love to know!” and then prove you’re worthy of the vulnerability it takes to answer your question honestly by listening to their response like your life depends on it. The experience will bring you closer together, I promise.
When you choose to go where others fear to tread, you’re in for an adventure.
Here are some of my favourite questions that help me rediscover my partner over and over again. The top 5 questions you ask your partner are likely to be different, because it depends on the person as to what questions will help the most. The best way to figure out what questions work best is to experiment! 🧪
The top 5 questions I ask my partner
What’s on your mind? [1]
Where do you want to eat tonight? [2]
How are you feeling?
What do you need the most help with right now?
Where did you learn this habit?
More great questions to ask your partner (in no particular order)
What is your earliest memory?
What do you value the most these days?
What were your grandparents like?
If you could only travel to one more country, where would you want to go?
What are the top 3 highest priorities in your life right now?
Did you have any pets growing up?
What are the favourite questions I’ve asked you over the years?
(if they’re finding something difficult) What would it look like if this were easy?
Where is one place you’ve always wanted to go in the city we live in?
Are you okay?
Have you had any near death experiences?
On a scale of 0 to 100 where would you place yourself (in terms of energy, investment, kindness and patience) right now? [3]
What do you remember about money when you were growing up?
What is your favourite animal?
If we could live anywhere in the country we live in, where would you like to live?
What’s that story behind that dress/piece of jewellery/coat/earrings/other piece of clothing you wear a lot?
What’s your favourite part of your body and my body?
Who was your best friend in primary school and high school?
What was your favourite and least favourite subject in school?
Who was your favourite teacher in school?
If your parents died tomorrow, is there anything you’d regret not saying to them?
What’s the best holiday you’ve ever been on and why?
What is something you’ve never told me before?
What’s one place you’ve never been before within 10km of our home, that you’ve always wanted to go?
What’s your love language? [4]
Do you like it when I XYZ, or is there something else you’d like even more?
Are there any songs that when you hear them, immediately make you think of me?
What’s something I currently do that you’d really like me to stop doing?
How do you want to be remembered?
The robot has some questions for your partner 🤖
I didn’t use ChatGPT to generate the above list of questions, but you can! For more generic, but still helpful questions, try entering different prompts.
I entered the prompt: Give me a list of 10 questions I can ask my partner to help me discover who they are.
Here’s what it produced:
- What are your top three values in life, and how do you try to live by them?
- What childhood memory has had the most impact on you, and why?
- What are your favourite hobbies or activities, and what do you enjoy about them?
- Who has been the most influential person in your life, and how have they impacted you?
- What are some of your biggest goals or dreams for the future?
- How do you handle stress or challenges in your life?
- What are your favourite books, movies, or TV shows, and why do you like them?
- If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
- What are some things that make you feel truly happy or fulfilled?
- How do you define success, and what does it look like for you personally?
If the robots take our partners, it’s because they asked better questions. Start practicing today! 🦾
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Notes
[1] My partner Sierra said, “This is a very helpful question you often ask me. It invites me to talk about the difficult stuff – indicating you are willing to listen, as one of my barriers is not wanting to unload on others, so I tend to keep to myself.”
[2] Sierra tells me that this is unequivocally, the favourite question that I ask her.
[3] This idea comes from Brene Brown, who argues that a marriage is never 50/50. Sierra and I have found it to be a very helpful question to ask, because it helps us reprioritise and help each other out when one person is feeling particularly low.
[4] Try learning about yours and your partners’ love languages by completing this quiz.
Art by Sierra Truong
Thanks to Sierra Truong for reading drafts of this.
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